Every party you go to has the same cast of girls. You get the belligerent bitch that tries to start fights with everyone. This bitch is trouble. She thinks that everyone is out to get her; she means business. Except, she is too drunk to walk in a straight line let alone punch anyone. Next up, the sloppy sobbing mess. She is the girl who has mascara running down her face as she cries into anyone and everyone’s clean shoulders. Not only do you have to listen to this mess moan and sob about her problems, but you also have mascara stained shoulders for the rest of the night. Nothing you do or say deters her from her mission of making you feel bad for her. She’s almost as hard to get away from as the sloppy slutty girl who attaches herself to every dick at the party. This girl may or may not be a slut while sober; spoiler alert: she is. The sloppy slutty mess is a beautiful train wreck to witness. You just can’t look away while she’s sitting on the couch sucking some guys face off. It’s repulsive, but yet you’re so intrigued. This slutty mess is almost the most popular girl at the party. All the girls hate her because she gets all the attention and action, and all the guys are pissed off because they didn’t snag her. They’ll brush it off and claim she’s gross and too easy, but they want it. The guys will cut their losses and look for the next drunkest girl. That girl is the one who thinks she can out drink all the boys. Spoiler alert: she can’t. The guys love this girl because she gets really drunk really fast and then either makes terrible decisions she will regret and be reminded of for weeks to come, or she passes out first. Regardless of the outcome, the guys love this wreck because they either get some, or they get to draw. The ambitious drinker will wake up with penises and labels all over her to remind her of how silly her ambitions were; and that my friends, is how young girls’ ambition is killed. Another way girls become corrupted is through party lesbianism. Girls try to hoard male attention by hooking up with other girls. However, some party lesbians just enjoy kissing. Others enjoy kissing girls, but that’s another category. The party lesbian is the boys’ favorite girl at the party. The other girls are either jealous of her boldness or disgusted by her craving of attention. Unfortunately some party lesbians really aren’t going for the attention. Those are the tragic cases. Some party lesbians are actually closet lesbians. The closet lesbians pretend to be party lesbians because they are confused. They know that they like kissing girls, but they don’t want to admit that they indeed are a lesbian. This brings me to the last girl you will encounter at drunken parties: the one sitting in the corner who is mortified by everything going on around her. This girl was most likely a pity invite. She pretends to be on the phone the whole night. She also pretends to be at ease. The forced smile, the white knuckles, and the nervous laugh give her away. It’s fun to fuck with her and offer her drinks and watch her pretend to be comfortable while she is obviously not.